Category: Psychology
Assertiveness & Saying No
Damon Zahariades
Time to read: 3 min.
What I have commonly observed with friends and family and in the workplace, is that the kindest and nicest of all people often have a difficult time saying no. Yet, saying no is a critical skill. It’s a skill that can save us time, raises our status as a leader and improves our self-worth.
If you often find yourself saying yes, when you should really be saying no. Then this article is for you.
Associations with the word no.
Words are important. How we define, internalise and give words meaning determines how we feel and experience the world around us.
Most of us have a negative association with the word no. If we reflect on situations where we have had to say no or heard the word, its generally associated with a negative emotion.
The fear of saying no
These negative associations stems from fear. We can fear how others will react. Some can react with frustration, anger and disappointment. When others react this way, it can leave us with feelings of guilt and shame; as it’s natural to long for the approval of others.
After having seen people reacting poorly (and more than once), the wisdom that I can share is that when there is an opportunity to set an expectation early, then take the time to prepare the requestor for the response that they may not want to hear.
Sometimes there is no avoiding a poor reaction. The important thing to remember, is that it is not your role to appease the requestor. Harmony is not always possible and in these situation conflict maybe unavoidable.
FOMO
Another aspect of why we have trouble saying no is from the fear of missing out. There are meetings you could attend, people that you should meet and groups that you should participate in. I’m not saying that these activities are not beneficial, but we have to be selective of the opportunities that we choose to take on.
When you say yes to something, you are indirectly saying no to something else. If you are in the ‘nice and kind’ category, then often it’s you own goals, interest and aspirations that are being pushed back and neglected.
Take some time to think about the message you send to yourself when this is done on a consistent basis. Aren’t your goals, interests and aspirations just as valuable as everyone else’s?
There is a right way to say no. A way that allows you to keep your self-worth without coming off as being rude or aggressive.
The right way to say no
Assertiveness. In the context of saying no, assertiveness means expressing your point of view with grace.
Assertiveness is demonstrated when you are able to say no in the right manner, tone, with purpose and poise. When you are assertive it means you are not looking for external validation or the approval of others.
When you are not looking for validation or approval; You can say no confidently because your actions align with your convictions. It’s like having a planned response.
A planned response shows that you are prudent, thoughtful and considerate because you let the requestor know why you are saying no. You may even suggest an alternative avenue to pursue. There is no need for stalling, lying or giving an “I can’t” excuse. You say no, because it’s your decision to say no.
Over time being assertive when saying no will gain you the respect and trust of others. You will eventually feel better for it and start to see the benefits. You may even change a once negative association to a positive one J
For a more in-depth look into this topic, I would recommend The Art of Saying No by Damon Zahariades.
Housekeepers and being physically active at work
Alica Crum
We spend a third of our time at work. For most of us, that time is spent either sitting down at a desk or in meetings. This post will feature tips on how to stay physically healthy in the workplace.
Being Mindful of your Movements
Before reading the tips below, it’s good to think and note down the physical activities that you’re already engaged in while in the office. Walking to the kitchen, to your next meeting, or outside to get some a coffee; all of these counts as being physically active.
Just being more mindful of your physical activity can have a positive impact on your health. I’ll circle back to this point later in the article.
Increasing physical activity at work
For now, here are some additional changes that you can adopt to increase your level of physical activity at work.
- Active Melbourne City Sports
There are a number of sports being organised around the city on a weekly basis: Soccer, Basketball, Dodgeball, Running, Netball and Cricket just to name a few. Check out the Active Melbourne City Sports and to see how you can get started.
- Stairs
Instead of using the elevator try take the stairs. This can be done when attending meetings or you even use the bathrooms that are on a different level. Making a trip up and down the stairs burns a little over 5 calories.
- Chat services are great, but…
Chat services are great when you need a quick and short response to question or to broadcast a message to a team; but if a conversation is taking longer than 2-3 minutes, then having a face to face conversation may be more appropriate. Face to face conversations requires you to move away from your desk and take a short walk across the office.
- Nice kicks
If you are fortunate enough to work in an office with a relaxed dress code; wearing comfortable clothes and shoes encourages you to be more active. It’s a lot easier to get up a flight of stair in flats, than in high heels (I assume).
The Mindful Housekeepers
A study was conducted to test if one’s mindset along with exercise could have an effect on health variables such as weight, blood pressure, body fat and BMI. 84 housekeepers from 7 different hotels were split into two groups and were measured on the previous health variables mentioned above.
The first group was informed that the work they engage in daily (i.e. cleaning hotel rooms) is a good form of exercise and attributes to an active and healthy lifestyle. The common work tasks that they performed were shown as examples of exercise.
The second group of housekeepers kept in the dark.
After four weeks, the same health variable was measured again for both groups. The informed group showed a decrease in weight, blood pressure, body fat and BMI as compared to the control group.
The research conducted by Alia Crum and Ellen Langer shows that changing one’s perception of the of physical activities at work can be enough to affect your health in a positive way.
Combining a change in mindset along with increasing physical activity at work would be even better 🙂
Seeing both sides, with Empathy
Time to read: 3 mins
A while ago (a long time ago) I watched an episode of Comedian in Cars Getting Coffee. As the title suggests, the show is about comedians in cars getting coffee with the host Jerry Seinfeld. It’s a good combination of cars, comedy and coffee.
I watched an episode where the guest was Chris Rock. Jerry picked him up in a 1969 Lamborghini 400s Miura. The dialogue and comedy was great. Then there were some remarks about arguing for both sided that got my attention.
A dialogue with Chris Rock
Chris: The ability to talk to a lot of people is freakish
Chris: Anyplace where there is a microphone people want me to speak, a funeral and book signing someone’s birthday. It doesn’t matter where I am.
Jerry: There is no subject that you can’t handle, you (as a comedian) have given some thought to almost everything.
Chris: We are professional arguers. Not only can we argue, but we argue either sides.
Chris: If you walked into a school and saw your kid talking to 500 kids you think your kid was possessed.
A Freakish Ability
For Chris, the ability to speak to a wide audience and hold their attention comes down to being able to see both sides. He demonstrated this when hosting the 2016 Oscar Awards.
Despite the protests for the lack of diversity of the Nominees, he was able to entertain the majority of the audience while still acknowledging the issues that led some to boycotting the event. It was a difficult situation; to talk in front of your peers about a very sensitive topic, where anyone could have been easily offended.
Seeing both sides
When solving a problem that involves negotiating or mediation. We usually don’t spend enough time on the other side of the fence. We may be able to see things from another person’s perspective but only for a short period of time.
By only briefly acknowledging someone else point of view; we can only briefly break out of our own biases before we return to own arguments and points of views that we are comfortable with.
Less time on the other side
Some of the reasons why we avoid ‘the other side’ is due to our inbuilt biases. A point of view different from our own may cause some discomfort or may contradict our own beliefs. This is known as Selective Perception (i.e. the tendency not to notice and more quickly forget stimuli that cause emotional discomfort and contradict our prior beliefs)
We also have a tendency to tune out when listening because we assume we know how others feel. This bias is known as the Illusion of Transparency (i.e. The tendency to overestimate how well we understand the personal mental states of others)
More time on the other side
By spending more time on the other side we can move from sympathy (a glib acknowledgment) to empathy (a personal understanding).
Having empathy builds trust between two parties and helps to build an environment that is collaborative, supportive, inclusive and sustainable. Having empathy also makes you feel good!
The only question is, which side is smart enough to spend time on the other side first?
Consciousness & Self Examination
Time to read: 3 mins
- Have an honest view of ourselves, too often we see ourselves as less then.
- Choose your ideals carefully, make sure that you select an ideal that is realistic.
Information vs Affirmation (& how to distinguish between the two)
- Confirmation Bias: The tendency to find information that only supports or confirms our point of view. And
- Ingroup Bias: The tendency to to favour those that are in the same group as us.
- Technology that we control and
- those the we don’t.
When using these types of technologies we are confident that the information is real and that because information is in plain sight; you can identify street names and recognise building on a map. You can see and understand the logic behind a calculator and control the formulas on a excel spreadsheet.
Parenting Success
Time to read: 2 mins.
After spending the entire weekend alone with my son, I not only realised how much he has changed and grown but how adults are also in a constant state of change and growth.
The habits that a 4 year old adopts are no different to the habits that adults adopt, in that they both change our behaviour and who we are as people.
Our Children
As parents, we view children as our responsibility. It is our responsibility to set up the right routines, habits and instil morals that we believe are essential for them to succeed in life.
We sometimes battle with our children and diligently try to explain to them the importance of listening, cleaning up after themselves, going to bed on time and other important skills, tasks and rituals that can sometimes seem a little trivial (especially at the age of four).
Ourselves
In our minds, the same battles occur, only they are happening within ourselves. We try to explain why we need to look after our health, work out more often, eat better, complete a particular certification or qualification, get promoted and network more efficiently.
Our Parents
But what happened to our parents? Once we became adults, did they just concede and say ‘well we did all that we could’. Do they assume that we just won’t listen anymore and stop giving advice? Do they assume that we know the world better than they do?
Kids need parenting, once a kid becomes an adult, it is assumed that they can parent themselves and from that point, the parents are no longer responsible…
The question is, are we grown up enough to parent ourselves into being a better human being in the same way that we instruct our kids?
Parenting ourselves
Selecting the right words and techniques to motivate children is a skill. Even more a skill is knowing the right words and techniques to use on ourselves. After a while, it’s easy to see the patterns in behaviour in a child, but we fail to see them in ourselves.
Correcting patterns of behaviour that we see in our kids is sometimes difficult. We sometimes choose to defer taking any action and wait for them to ‘grow up’ so that they are more attentive, are able to concentrate, process more complex information and make better decisions.
Unfortunately, adults don’t have same luxury.
Measures of Success
When we see good or even great kids, a significant factor is parenting. The parents have mastered ‘the skill’ that we discussed earlier.
They have put in enough time with their kids and know the right words to say and which techniques to use. The measure of success is how their kids have turned out.
Correspondingly, when we see good or great success in other adults (or even ourselves), they too have mastered ‘the skill’. Adults who devote enough time to themselves know the right words to say and the technique to use to move them into action.
How they live their lives (all aspects of it) and the legacy they leave behind is a measure of their success.
Psychological Safety & Microaggression
Laszlo Bock
Time to read: 4 mins
A colleague recently recommended that I listen to an interview with Google’s Lazlo Bock (the company’s VP of People Operations) on the Hidden Brain podcast. Towards the end of the interview, Lazlo mentioned two terms that most of us may be unfamiliar with. Although we may have experienced the phenomena. These were:
- Psychological Safety; and
- Microaggression.
Lazlo’s interview delved into topics such as how employee reviews are done, how employers decide which staff members receive a pay increase, the hiring process, and other HR-related topics.
Unless you’re working in an extremely progressive workplace, most of these topics are somewhat outside our control and influence.
Psychological safety
The topic of psychological safety is intriguing because it’s something that can be observed in smaller teams and in organisations as a whole. It may even exist within your own family.
It’s something that’s hard to describe in words. When psychological safety exists in the workplace, we say it’s a ‘really nice’ workplace; when it doesn’t exist, we hear the workplace described as ‘difficult’ or just plain ‘bad’.
What are we trying to say with these generic adverbs and adjectives?
What is it
Psychological safety is a shared belief that the team is safe from interpersonal risks. ‘Safe’ teams are teams in which members feel accepted and respected.
A practical example
I recently joined a new team. During our first retrospective I was asked how I transitioning. I responded by saying that I found all of the team members to be very open and friendly. The scrum master added:
“The thing I like most about this team is that there is no one dominant personality within the group.”
Despite the defined roles and a certain hierarchy, everybody made time for each other, and no one was too proud to admit a mistake or say that they missed something. To me, the level of transparency was what made the team great and enjoyable to work with.
People felt safe, and no one was criticised.
The majority and the minority
Our team produced better results, they were generally more relaxed, got more work done, and in a lot less time.
Because our team consisted of more senior team members, an assumption was made that this was the reason our team ran so well. And so, in an attempt to improve other teams, two of our most senior staff members were swapped for ‘newbies’. But this didn’t improve the results of the other teams or diminish our own. That’s because the working culture of the majority influenced the minority.
And microagression…
The other topic in the Lazlo interview, microaggression (one word) is a topic everyone should be aware of. Microaggressions happen every day. When they occur, they’re usually done unconsciously and without intent.
There is an interesting website where microaggression is explained through photos. While some of these photos are blatantly offensive, others make you stop and think. Putting yourself into someone else’s position and understanding how the words we use can be hurtful is an underutilised skill. I implore you to give the article a quick look.
Stretching out the group
Microaggression has a strong association with race and ethnicity, but microaggressions can (and should) be applied to other minority groups associated with gender, sexuality, age, those with disabilities and religious beliefs.
The Freeman approach
Because microaggressions usually happen without conscious bias, what can we do about them? I like Morgan Freeman’s approach, which is to ‘stop talking about it’. There is no need to point out a person’s race or ethnicity (or any of the groups mentioned above). Just talk to a person as a person.
We’re more likely to see microaggressions in casual social settings than in a professional working environment.
Be the change
Looking at my example of psychological safety, we can see how the majority in a group has a strong influence over the minority.
Trying to change the majority is not easy. It’s even more difficult when you’re in the minority. But sometimes it’s the only option that we have as individuals. Eventually, if enough individuals change, then the majority will change and the way to start is with those within your own circle of influence.
Comparing the two
Microaggressions can destroy a psychologically safe environment. A psychologically safe environment encourages and demonstrates how we should treat others – that is, by relating to others without prejudice, by always giving them the benefit of the doubt, and generally having a positive and understanding attitude towards them.
It also works the other way around. By looking at the benefits of psychological safety, we can logically conclude that psychological safety inhibits forms of microaggression.
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