Time to read: 3 min.
What I have commonly observed with friends and family and in the workplace, is that the kindest and nicest of all people often have a difficult time saying no. Yet, saying no is a critical skill. It’s a skill that can save us time, raises our status as a leader and improves our self-worth.
If you often find yourself saying yes, when you should really be saying no. Then this article is for you.
Associations with the word no.
Words are important. How we define, internalise and give words meaning determines how we feel and experience the world around us.
Most of us have a negative association with the word no. If we reflect on situations where we have had to say no or heard the word, its generally associated with a negative emotion.
The fear of saying no
These negative associations stems from fear. We can fear how others will react. Some can react with frustration, anger and disappointment. When others react this way, it can leave us with feelings of guilt and shame; as it’s natural to long for the approval of others.
After having seen people reacting poorly (and more than once), the wisdom that I can share is that when there is an opportunity to set an expectation early, then take the time to prepare the requestor for the response that they may not want to hear.
Sometimes there is no avoiding a poor reaction. The important thing to remember, is that it is not your role to appease the requestor. Harmony is not always possible and in these situation conflict maybe unavoidable.
Another aspect of why we have trouble saying no is from the fear of missing out. There are meetings you could attend, people that you should meet and groups that you should participate in. I’m not saying that these activities are not beneficial, but we have to be selective of the opportunities that we choose to take on.
When you say yes to something, you are indirectly saying no to something else. If you are in the ‘nice and kind’ category, then often it’s you own goals, interest and aspirations that are being pushed back and neglected.
Take some time to think about the message you send to yourself when this is done on a consistent basis. Aren’t your goals, interests and aspirations just as valuable as everyone else’s?
There is a right way to say no. A way that allows you to keep your self-worth without coming off as being rude or aggressive.
The right way to say no
Assertiveness. In the context of saying no, assertiveness means expressing your point of view with grace.
Assertiveness is demonstrated when you are able to say no in the right manner, tone, with purpose and poise. When you are assertive it means you are not looking for external validation or the approval of others.
When you are not looking for validation or approval; You can say no confidently because your actions align with your convictions. It’s like having a planned response.
A planned response shows that you are prudent, thoughtful and considerate because you let the requestor know why you are saying no. You may even suggest an alternative avenue to pursue. There is no need for stalling, lying or giving an “I can’t” excuse. You say no, because it’s your decision to say no.
Over time being assertive when saying no will gain you the respect and trust of others. You will eventually feel better for it and start to see the benefits. You may even change a once negative association to a positive one J
For a more in-depth look into this topic, I would recommend The Art of Saying No by Damon Zahariades.
How you describe your estimates is important. The units that you use can imply a certain level of accuracy.
Time to read: 3 mins
Some of the hardest goals that we set for ourselves are those that are long term. Long term goals require consistent action, over an extended period of time. With long term goals the element of time is unavoidable. In these scenarios time can be used to learn, grow and mature.
In other circumstances time is avoidable, when you are clear on what you want to achieve and the steps that need to be followed; there is no need to wait or procrastinate.
So what can you do with your idle time while you are:
Learn, grow and mature
As I mentioned earlier learning, growing and maturing as a person are associated with long term goals. You might be completing a degree or saving for your first home or training for a marathon. Seeing the end is hard, especially when it is so far away. Imagining what it means to achieve your goals may give you enough motivation and momentum to keep yourself going and stay focused. If you have a long term goal in mind, take some time to think about how:
The small steps you take are leading to-> The lifelong habits you are developing-> How these habit are needed to -> Reach long term goals.
If we are in the latter (b.) we most likely don’t have clarity on what we have to do (i.e. the next action) and there is a deeper reason why we haven’t taken action (usually around fear), but it hasn’t surfaced. A combination of the two is used to make up excuses.
The definition of an excuse is: A justification for not doing something; but it’s not a reason, it’s more of a revision of the facts that you use to make yourself feel better. It’s an alteration of reality.
I recently read The 10x Rule by Grant Cardone and one of my favorite chapters was on excuses. Everybody has excuses and we all have a few that we employ over and over again. So rather than ignore them it’s better that you confront right now.
There is a third way we spend idle time that hasn’t been mentioned up until now.
We need idle time for our mind to be creative, inventive and find solutions to existing problems.
For most of us, when the words ‘solution’, ‘problem’ and even ‘invention’ is mentioned we naturally try to return to a model, or process that exists within our domain. This is not what I am talking about here. In fact, anytime where we are repeating something that we already know; this is not creative.
In its purest form, creative work has no purpose and no outcome; idle time is used to allow your mind to be silent and do nothing. We just need the time and space to let out minds moodle. Now, few of us have this luxury, because we live in an environment where results, productivity and outcomes are king. But think about this…
Capital isn’t so important in business, experience isn’t so important, you can get both these things. What is important is ideas, if you have ideas you have the main assets that you need and there isn’t any limit to what you can do with your business and your life – Harvey Firestone
Understanding how our idle time is spent helps us to identify where our time is being used and what to do. When we are learning, growing and maturing; reflecting upon your goals will help to keep you motivated and focused.
When our time is being wasted on procrastination, identify the next action and drop the excuses to be more productive.
Finally (although it is less understood) allowing our minds the space and silence provides us with an opportunity to generate original ideas and thinking. This act may have greatest value and impact not only in our own lives but the lives of those around us.