Time to read: 3 min.
What I have commonly observed with friends and family and in the workplace, is that the kindest and nicest of all people often have a difficult time saying no. Yet, saying no is a critical skill. It’s a skill that can save us time, raises our status as a leader and improves our self-worth.
If you often find yourself saying yes, when you should really be saying no. Then this article is for you.
Associations with the word no.
Words are important. How we define, internalise and give words meaning determines how we feel and experience the world around us.
Most of us have a negative association with the word no. If we reflect on situations where we have had to say no or heard the word, its generally associated with a negative emotion.
The fear of saying no
These negative associations stems from fear. We can fear how others will react. Some can react with frustration, anger and disappointment. When others react this way, it can leave us with feelings of guilt and shame; as it’s natural to long for the approval of others.
After having seen people reacting poorly (and more than once), the wisdom that I can share is that when there is an opportunity to set an expectation early, then take the time to prepare the requestor for the response that they may not want to hear.
Sometimes there is no avoiding a poor reaction. The important thing to remember, is that it is not your role to appease the requestor. Harmony is not always possible and in these situation conflict maybe unavoidable.
Another aspect of why we have trouble saying no is from the fear of missing out. There are meetings you could attend, people that you should meet and groups that you should participate in. I’m not saying that these activities are not beneficial, but we have to be selective of the opportunities that we choose to take on.
When you say yes to something, you are indirectly saying no to something else. If you are in the ‘nice and kind’ category, then often it’s you own goals, interest and aspirations that are being pushed back and neglected.
Take some time to think about the message you send to yourself when this is done on a consistent basis. Aren’t your goals, interests and aspirations just as valuable as everyone else’s?
There is a right way to say no. A way that allows you to keep your self-worth without coming off as being rude or aggressive.
The right way to say no
Assertiveness. In the context of saying no, assertiveness means expressing your point of view with grace.
Assertiveness is demonstrated when you are able to say no in the right manner, tone, with purpose and poise. When you are assertive it means you are not looking for external validation or the approval of others.
When you are not looking for validation or approval; You can say no confidently because your actions align with your convictions. It’s like having a planned response.
A planned response shows that you are prudent, thoughtful and considerate because you let the requestor know why you are saying no. You may even suggest an alternative avenue to pursue. There is no need for stalling, lying or giving an “I can’t” excuse. You say no, because it’s your decision to say no.
Over time being assertive when saying no will gain you the respect and trust of others. You will eventually feel better for it and start to see the benefits. You may even change a once negative association to a positive one J
For a more in-depth look into this topic, I would recommend The Art of Saying No by Damon Zahariades.
Time to read: 3 mins
A while ago (a long time ago) I watched an episode of Comedian in Cars Getting Coffee. As the title suggests, the show is about comedians in cars getting coffee with the host Jerry Seinfeld. It’s a good combination of cars, comedy and coffee.
I watched an episode where the guest was Chris Rock. Jerry picked him up in a 1969 Lamborghini 400s Miura. The dialogue and comedy were great. Then there were some remarks about arguing both sided that got my attention.
A dialogue with Chris Rock
Chris: The ability to talk to a lot of people is freakish
Chris: Anyplace where there is a microphone people want me to speak, a funeral and book signing someone’s birthday. It doesn’t matter where I am.
Jerry: There is no subject that you can’t handle, you (as a comedian) have given some thought to almost everything.
Chris: We are professional arguers. Not only can we argue, but we argue either sides.
Chris: If you walked into a school and saw your kid talking to 500 kids you think your kid was possessed.
A Freakish Ability
For Chris, the ability to speak to a lot of people and successfully holds their attention comes down to being able to see both sides. He demonstrated this when hosting the 2016 Oscar Awards.
Despite the protests for the lack of diversity of the Nominees, he was able to entertain the majority of actors while still acknowledging the issues that lead to other actors boycotting the event. It was a difficult situation; to talk in front of your peers about a very sensitive topic, where anyone could have been easily offended.
Seeing both sides
When solving a problem that involves negotiating or mediation. We usually don’t spend enough time on the other side of the fence. We may be able to see things from another person’s perspective but only for a short period of time.
By only briefly acknowledging someone else point of view; we can only briefly break out of our own biases before we return to own arguments and points of views that we are comfortable and familiar with.
Less time on the other side
Some of the reasons why we avoid ‘the other side’ is due to our inbuilt biases. A point of view different from our own may cause some discomfort or may contradict our own beliefs. This is known as Selective Perception (i.e. the tendency not to notice and more quickly forget stimuli that cause emotional discomfort and contradict our prior beliefs)
We also have a tendency to tune out when listening because we assume we know how others feel. This bias is known as the Illusion of Transparency (i.e. The tendency to overestimate how well we understand the personal mental states of others)
More time on the other side
By spending more time on the other side we can move from sympathy (a glib acknowledgment) to empathy (a personal understanding).
Having empathy builds trust between two parties and helps to build an environment that is collaborative, supportive, inclusive and sustainable. Having empathy also makes you feel good!
The only question is, which side is smart enough to go first?
- Technology that we control and
- those the we don’t.
When using these types of technologies we are confident that the information is real and that because information is in plain sight; you can identify street names and recognise building on a map. You can see and understand the logic behind a calculator and control the formulas on a excel spreadsheet.